Using a Donor

Deciding to become a smbc was my first big decision on this journey, the next was using a donor. For me there were so many things that I had to consider when it came to using a donor. You would not believe the amount of people that have told me to just go out and get myself knocked up from a one night stand. For me I morally couldn’t do it, not only is it unfair on the guy to knowingly try and get pregnant without telling him, it’s unfair for the child to grow up not knowing their biological father and probably never having the opportunity to meet them, and let’s be honest anyone in this ttc community knows getting pregnant just isn’t that simple & easy for most.

To raise a child intentionally without their biological father, in my books, is a big decision to make and a huge responsibility. I knew when making this decision that I needed to think what was in the best interest of my future child. What would give them the best shot of connecting with their bio father if they wanted to once they were old enough? It was with this question in mind that I decided I wanted to use a sperm donor from a fertility clinic. I had considered asking a few ex’s and did reach out to a friend but I knew deep down that that could be quite complicated and probably wouldn’t work well for me.

I completed my two counselling sessions, which is mandated when using a donor at my NSW clinic, had an ICSI cycle approved and had been on the donor waitlist for four months when I was granted access to my clinics donor registry in August 2019. Gee was I a bundle of excitement and nerves when I first logged on to the website, that was quickly replaced with disappointment when the list containing around 15 donors showed that only 4 of the donors were Caucasian and happy to donate to anyone. Two of the donors were American and came with a $10,400 price tag just for their sperm, this, along with the fact that it may be difficult to connect with an American bio father & the unknown of them donating in the USA as well which could lead to 50 donor siblings or more, ruled them out as donors for me.

I was hoping for a donor to have similar characteristics to me- tall (min 176cm), brown hair and green eyes. I’m yet to see a green eyed donor through my clinic but eye colour is not a deal breaker. I really liked one of the Australian donors. He was already a dad, tall, brown hair and had written a nice personal letter to their future bio child. His profile was personal & warm. The only thing I was hung up on was that he suffered from depression and I do as well. I thought it would be best to discuss this with my GP who wanted to help me choose a donor (he is the greatest). Unfortunately after a few hours of having access to the donor registry this donor was gone and had reached his 5 family limit. I learnt that first night if I liked a donor to select him & then have the option of dropping him if I changed my mind.

So many questions came up for me during the donor selection process, lots of anxieties, which made me dig deep inside to seek the answers and help me move forward in the process. Homosexual donors were one of my dilemmas. I love the LGBTQIA community and I applaud anyone who is altruistic enough to become a donor and help someone start a family, but taking in a donors sexuality was something I had to think through. I know that I want to be 100% honest with my future child about how they were created, why I decided to go solo and what I know about their donor. I know that growing up without their bio father will come with its challenges, I am not naive enough to doubt this, for me personally (and I know others will disagree and I hope they do) I think having a donor and them bring homosexual may be hard on my future child, so I excluded this donor on this and other grounds. This is not to say that I wouldn’t use a known homosexual donor who may be involved in our lives.

I knew I wanted a Caucasian donor so my future child would hopefully look like me & feel connected to their extended family. Have I dreamed of a mixed race child throughout my life? Yes, I can tell you my mum has had these dreams for me as well. When it really came down to using a donor of another race I was concerned about not being able to raise my future child with that cultural identity as a white women living in a rural community. Culture is such an important part of a persons identity, understanding ones cultural history and traditions can help shape and mould a persons perception of themselves. If I was still living in Sydney, which is such a multicultural city, I wouldn’t be as concerned about raising a child of mixed race as I would have the opportunity to expose them to a community of their bio fathers ethnicity. They could explore their heritage in a way that isn’t very possible in a small rural town.

I could be totally overthinking the process and that is fine. I have had many solo choice mums say they put very little thought into using a donor besides them being healthy. To them using a donor was just a transaction of a few cells that helped them create a baby in which they grew and then have raised on their own and for them that is fine, it works. For me, yes he is a donor, a generous man that is helping me create a family, but to my future child he is their biological father and he will hold whatever meaning or significance my child chooses to place on him. I feel it is my responsibility to use a donor that will be de-identified when my child is 18 years old and chooses to find out his identity, that has a family limit that enables my child to connect with their donor siblings if it is in everyone’s best interest and is a donor that stood out to me when I chose him.

I have found that donor and will share some things about him soon.